How I stay positive …

… even though I lack confidence.

Anyone who knows me, knows I love to write. I’ve always written for myself, but I never expected the amount of work it would take to write for others. Some days, it can be overwhelming and I wonder why I started. Then I realize, I do it because I want to share the ideas in my head that make me happy, or sad, nervous, or afraid. Stories that make me laugh or cry. No one told me I had to write for others. I chose to do that, and I can choose to see it in a negative or positive light.

It’s not easy to look at that thought and change it. What can I do to see it in a different way?
The first thing I do is step back and try to see the thought from someone else’s perspective. If this were happening to a friend, what would I say to them? Maybe I’d tell them to write more books so they can be seen. Do something uncomfortable and join a writer’s group?

Maybe not that one. To be honest, I have a hard time with writers groups. It’s easy to bear your soul on a page imagining no one will ever read your words. They won’t be scrutinized or your intention picked apart … but in front of people? That’s really hard for me. I’ve tried a few and haven’t managed to find a place where I fit, yet. I might have to set finding a new group as a goal, but I’m not quite ready for that step.

I don’t know if imagining you were a friend works for other people, but it’s easier for me if I can see my doubts and difficulties belonging to someone else. If I step away from the problem, it gets a little smaller. Break it into parts and it becomes manageable. My grandmother used to call it ‘taking little bites’. Solve the little problems and the big ones take care of themselves.

I have broken things into little bites, as well as taken a few big risks lately. On a reckless, crazy impulse, I entered the first book in my series in a contest with no expectation of receiving anything other than a “Thank you – next” letter. When I saw the email come through a few weeks later, I brushed it aside, already deciding what the content would be. The notification of the unopened correspondence sat as a lonely reminder that something needed my attention. That night when I had crawled into bed, I picked up my phone to play a game and instead, decided to open what I knew would be a rejection of my work.

… Only, it wasn’t. My book had won for its category. It was only a monthly contest, but that didn’t matter to me. Someone who had no connection to me, not a relative, not anyone I had paid to edit or revise my work, but a panel of utter strangers, had found my book compelling enough to name it the winner for its category. I was so ecstatic, and grateful, and humbled that I even shed a few tears.

This one single piece of external validation, that I never thought I needed, has done more to push me forward than anything I’ve done in the last seven years since I began writing. The confidence I gained led me to do a podcast interview. I was terrified, although I had no reason to be. I was sitting alone in a room with a camera and a computer, speaking with two lovely people who genuinely wanted to know more about me and my work. For the first time in my life, I was comfortable talking about myself.

That experience pushed me to book a table at a media festival; something I never though I would do. Am I nervous – yes. But I’m also excited. I’ve been collecting little tiny bits of confidence along the way which led me to write this post. It’s hard to look at these events over the last two months and not see them in a positive light.

I choose to stay positive each day, sometimes each hour. Even when I have no reason, I choose to stay positive, because I also have no reason to be negative.

I choose to stay positive.